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sorry i haven’t been on lately, i’ve traded my life for four seasons of true blood ok bye

I was just talking to my friend about Full House and he said, “The title of the show actually really bothered me. Like, you can have as many people as you want in your house - that’s fine, I don’t give a fuck. But you can never fill the hole their dead mom left, man. Don’t put up a front.” Oh my God…　

May 26 19:02with 3 notes

Ok, so I just found this photo. I’ve told this story to a few people, and no one ever believes me. But now I have proof! This is the physical evidence.
When this picture was taken, I was either two or three years old. My grandma and parents were really big on going to the circus, seeing shows, popping in on musicals. On this particular night, they took me and my cousin to see the Ringling Bros. Circus. At the time, my cousin was my best friend. She was older than me, so I wanted to do practically everything she did. To my parents, this was both endearing and annoying. During an intermission, my cousin wanted to go to the bathroom. They told her to go, but to be careful. I mentioned that I had to go too; thinking I just wanted to follow her around, my parents told me I didn’t need to go. Unfortunately for them (and for me, I guess) I really did have to fucking pee. Like, bad. I told them that, but my mom didn’t buy it. She was, and still is, really snarky. So she said, “Fine, if you have to pee so bad, do it right where you are!” This was a bluff - I didn’t realize that. I was about to let loose, but these clowns came by and wanted to take a picture with me. I’d never seen one up close, and they were like monsters or some shit. I was not into it. My parents and grandma thought it was a really cute idea, so they handed me over to these assholes. They were taking forever to find the camera, and I still had to use the bathroom, so I did what my mom said - I peed, right where I was. My mom actually snapped this right while it was happening. Look at my fucking face, though. It’s like, “Sweet release, dear GOD, that’s good”, and the dudes didn’t even realize what had happened. The red-headed one got SO pissed off at me! He broke character, threw me onto a seat, and was like “What the fuck!” and he just kept yelling at me. The bald one kind of had the same face as in the picture, which was even more frightening. Since then, I have been deathly afraid of clowns. I had to see a child therapist for a year after, ok? All thanks to these fuckers…

18:33

7

fun fact: there was a brief period of time in which i had major panic attacks every time i heard come on over by christina aguilera; i couldn’t listen to the radio for 3 months.　

May 25 15:53with 1 note

Sometimes, I’ll see someone so attractive that the strangest shit goes through my head. Like, I’ll see a dude and think “Fuck, he’s cute. I want to make this motherfucker some fresh-squeezed orange juice in the morning. I wonder what he would look like in a sleeping bag. Boxers or briefs… briefs, for sure. Am I right, or am I right? He probably prefers spearmint to winterfresh. Damn, baby, I just wanna buy gum with you.”

May 23 20:57with 2 notes

This man in the lobby can’t find the bathroom. Unf his beard. I’ll show him where it is. I wanna touch his butt.

May 23 19:30with 1 note

It’s barbecue night at the hotel, so I went outside to get a burger, but there was a really long line. While I was waiting, this really nice gay couple brought me some beer and told me about how they were in the middle of a road trip. It was cute. But we kept smelling something really fucking gross and I was like, “They must have cut a shit ton of onions, which is dumb because not everybody likes them”. You guys don’t even understand. Like, the smell was so terrible, one of the guys started crying. So this family (they are REALLY loud, btw, like get yourselves in order you are in public) walks by and IT WAS THEM, they smelled like onions and mayonnaise and dead dreams. I couldn’t even eat, I just took another beer and now I’m watching the American Idol finale in the lobby. Wtf.

May 23 19:01with 1 note

Can we just talk about how happy I am because Jake Goldsbie (AKA Toby Isaacs of Degrassi) just tweeted me and I want to throw myself into a lake because he is the love of my life? This totally makes up for the fact that the hotel lobby took the coffee canisters away for the night…　

May 22 21:37with 2 notes

Omfg I was watching a movie and this girl’s fucking vagina just made an unexpected cameo in the middle of conversation and I had to change the channel really quick so my mom wouldn’t see it. I turned on Lifetime and my mom jolted awake right when this man asked Jennifer Love Hewitt, “Excuse me, miss, are your breasts real?” My mom was like, “DID YOU ORDER ONE OF THOSE ADULT MOVIES, ARIELLE!?!? DID YOU!?!?” Jesus…

May 21 22:18with 5 notes

Ugh I’m sharing a room with my mom and she fell asleep (even though it’s only 8:30, like, what the fuck) and her ass is on the remote so I can’t get it. She fell asleep watching the fucking food network, so now I have to watch this really annoying show about how to make a cheeseburger good without seasoning it and they keep playing this stupid fucking commercial about a car where they sing Crazy Train in a capella. I just want to drown myself in the complimentary pool.

May 21 20:42with 4 notes

The pool at this hotel is right outside of my room, so every once in awhile, I make faces and wait for someone to see me. This one little boy screamed and pushed his　 mom into the bushes. It was glorious.

May 21 17:35with 4 notes

I’m staying at a hotel, so it is officially The Suite Life of Perded0r week on my blog. Get prepared.

May 20 17:03with 2 notes

Holy shit, this entire week has been too much. Nobody understands how drunk I’m going to get tonight. Like. You don’t understand.　

May 19 17:37with 2 notes